Transformation of the Spirit: A Journey Through Change
Transmutation of the Spirit: A Journey Through Change
Have you ever felt like you were both the chaos and the calm? There are moments when this metaphor hits close to home for me. I’ve found myself stuck in the middle of emotions I couldn’t process, feeling like I was both the cause and the cure. The chaos and the calm, battling inside, unsure whether to hold on or let go. That’s where I find myself right now right in the thick of transformation. It’s messy. It’s painful. It’s uncertain. But in the middle of all this, I know something deep inside: change is non-negotiable. The person I was has outgrown the life I used to lead. And even though the process is uncomfortable, I know it’s the only way forward.
The truth is, change doesn’t feel empowering in the moment. It feels like confusion. It feels like doubt. It feels like the world is showing me every piece of myself I’ve avoided. But here’s the reality: the middle of transformation is never smooth. You don’t go from one form to another without first breaking down. And that's okay. It’s necessary.
When Self-Sabotage Feels Safer
In this season of transition, I’ve noticed that my old coping mechanisms are louder than usual. The behaviors that once protected me, though I know they no longer serve me are making their way back in. At first, I questioned myself. “Why am I reverting back to this, when I know better?” But I’m starting to understand: these behaviors are remnants of my old self. They’re the last attempts of the person I used to be to hold onto something familiar. They are the echoes of survival, not the reality of growth.
Here’s what I’m holding onto: those behaviors don’t define me. They are part of the past. And I am choosing to move beyond them.
The Difference Between Triggers and Being the Trigger
In this time of self-reflection, I’ve had to confront a difficult realization: sometimes, I’m the trigger. It’s not just that I’m triggered by others, but I’ve triggered myself, too. In those moments, it’s easy to feel defensive, to blame the world around me for the discomfort I’m feeling. But I’m learning to see these moments differently. They are invitations to dive deeper, to discover what still needs healing within me. And when I’ve triggered others? I’m learning to hold space for accountability without falling into guilt or shame. Triggers don’t define us. It’s how we respond to them that matters.
Self-Realization vs. Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage and self-realization can look the same sometimes. Both require us to face our patterns, to confront what’s holding us back. But there’s a crucial difference: self-sabotage keeps us safe by keeping us stuck, while self-realization pushes us to break through even when it hurts. When I feel stuck, I have to ask myself: am I feeding the discomfort, or am I leaning into the transparency? If I’m choosing curiosity over fear, I’m on the side of growth. And if I’m not yet there? That’s okay, too. Growth doesn’t follow a straight line.
How to Know the Difference: Self-Sabotage vs. Self-Realization
Understanding whether you’re in a pattern of self-sabotage or self-realization can be challenging, especially when they look so similar on the surface. But there are ways to identify which one you’re in, and it starts with awareness and tools to discern the difference.
Emotional Response
Self-Sabotage: Feels like overwhelm, fear, and paralysis. You may feel stuck in a loop, unable to move forward. It's often accompanied by negative self-talk that reinforces your belief that you’re not capable or worthy of change.
Self-Realization: Feels uncomfortable but energizing. Even when it’s painful, you may feel like you’re breaking through, like something bigger is on the other side. There's curiosity and a pull toward growth.
Behavior Patterns
Self-Sabotage: Shows up as familiar, toxic behaviors you’ve used in the past—numbing, avoidance, procrastination, or self-doubt. It often prevents you from moving forward or growing in a positive direction.
Self-Realization: Involves confronting your fears and old patterns, but it doesn’t let them control you. You may be willing to sit with discomfort and do the hard work of change, even when it's difficult.
Intention vs. Reaction
Self-Sabotage: Often comes from a place of fear—fear of failure, fear of success, or fear of the unknown. You might find yourself repeating old habits that keep you small because they feel safer.
Self-Realization: Comes from a place of intention—intent to grow, evolve, and create a life that aligns with your highest values. It pushes you toward the discomfort of change, knowing that the process is leading you somewhere better.
Tools to Navigate the Process
Here are some tools to help you stay grounded and clear in the middle of your transformation, so you can better recognize self-sabotage when it appears and lean into self-realization:
Mindfulness and Meditation
Regular mindfulness practices help create a space between stimulus and reaction. By staying present with your thoughts, you can better distinguish between the fear-driven pull of self-sabotage and the challenging but expansive energy of self-realization.
Journaling
Writing can help untangle your emotions and thought patterns. Ask yourself: “What am I avoiding? What am I afraid of? How can I use this moment to grow?” Journaling offers clarity and insight into your behavior, helping you reflect on whether your actions are rooted in fear or growth.
Accountability Partners
Find someone you trust to hold space for your transformation. This could be a mentor, coach, or even a close friend. Sometimes, the external perspective can reveal blind spots and help you navigate the line between self-sabotage and self-realization.
Affirmations
Affirmations are a simple but powerful tool. When self-sabotage whispers doubts, counter those voices with affirmations that affirm your worth and capacity to change. Examples: "I am worthy of growth." "I am capable of transformation, even in discomfort."
The Pause Button
When you feel like reverting to old behaviors or getting stuck in a negative cycle, hit the pause button. Give yourself space before reacting. This can help you differentiate between a knee-jerk self-sabotage response and the more intentional path toward change.
The Pain of Becoming
I won’t sugarcoat it: this process feels like heartbreak. Not heartbreak from loss, but heartbreak from growth—heartbreak from stretching and making room for something new. It’s an ache that words can’t quite capture, but I’m learning to sit with it. I’m learning that pain isn’t the enemy. It’s the price of becoming.
I’ve had to remind myself that transformation doesn’t follow any timeline. It’s slow, it’s messy, and it’s sacred. I may not see the full picture yet, but I’m trusting the process. I’m trusting the unfolding, even when it’s uncomfortable.
For Anyone in the Middle
If you’re in the middle of it too, know this: you are not alone. You’re not failing because it’s hard. You’re not broken because it’s messy. Change is supposed to challenge you; it’s supposed to undo you before it remakes you.
Let’s give ourselves permission to feel it all the fear, the doubt, the resistance, the hope. Let’s create space for both the parts of us that are letting go and the parts that are just beginning to take shape. And let’s remind ourselves, over and over, that the ugly middle is still progress.
A Final Thought
Maybe the beauty of metamorphosis isn’t in the butterfly at all. Maybe it’s in the willingness to enter the cocoon, to trust the process, and to endure the in-between. Change doesn’t promise comfort, but it does promise growth. And I’m choosing to believe that’s worth it, even when it hurts.
<3 Big Sis
